Is Hapiness Possible?

There's a few things about life that I would like to point out...

- Life may be good to you at times, but there are those times karma seems to bite like a bitch... Sleeping around, hurting people, only results in the same thing happening to you..

March 2010 I fell in love... Some may say that it isn't possible at my age not knowing what you want and what not.. But I know what I feel and what I feel is real.. Yet, there is always an ice breaker. The guy I love doesn't feel the same way.. As of a few weeks ago.. Been a while since we talked about it..

It all started when my best friend was telling me about this gorgeous boy she had met in art... He wouldn't say anything about being gay other than that he would admit to "having a little sugar in him." I have seen him through the halls before, and thought he was like.. Perfect!

After seeing him, saying hi, and adding him on Facebook saying I was Tya's friend it turns out.. Tya invited him to my house for a party I was having.. At a party I had back in march.. I was extremely drunk and stoned by the time he got there: him - sober and Mormon... We talked and Tya was trying to get us to talk. I was shy and nervous of course, so she sends us out to make a bond fire in the back.. My drunk ass is having issues lighting a fire, so he decides to shove me back into the chair and he began to kiss me.. It started as just a kiss then lead into his gum was in my mouth... We ran up to my room, and did our thing....... Came down, to me puking and making a complete fool of myself..

Two weeks went by of him constantly telling my best friend how he couldn't wait to see me, and us hanging out quite often.. Suddenly things stop, he stops talking to me and it's like I was nothing..

Months went on and on of him stealing my guys, me trying to steal his to get back.. But nothing..

Fighting occurred, and other drama...

The past month or 2 he has become my best friend.. Talked about it once since... But only because of another situation... He said he loves me as a best friend, but we will just have to see where it goes if that's at all possible...

Now I am living my life, in love with a wall basically.. Hopefully things work out for the best... At least that's what I am praying for..

The Old & The New

It's been a while since I posted anything.. To sum things up.. I was dumped the day before my Birthday over a text.. But now that I look back nothing matters about that relationship, and apparently feelings were never really there... But NOW I look at it and I have an AMAZING GUY!!! In the end things always work out :)

My New Beginning :)

Today is my last day of smoking.. I don't plan on having another cigarette after the 5 I have left are gone tonight.. I am quitting for a few reasons.. My health, money, my boyfriend, tatiana, and my parents.. None of them need to worry about it anymore, because I am done with it.. Today was hard for me.. I'm in a depressed mood due to my parents & my actions.. I have been caught up in too much shit to handle.. Some things that I really wish I had are now not a possibility for a while, and I have officially fucked my life up for summer.. I now have a creepy ex, and a current boyfriend I reallly like, and hope things go far with him.. This weekend was great, we spent a lot of time together cuddling and it was amazing :) It's now time to turn my life around without cigarettes or drugs.. I'm done with them all and don't plan on getting back into that life.. It's my new beginning :)

Life as we know it..

Life is what you make it.. Best to try new things, explore, and make it worth it! I love Miss Cupcake!!

There is always the good & the bad..

Today I have realized that there is both a good and bad to everything in life and out of it.. I believe that every day has it's ups and downs, people they both love and hate, and just the different variety. Today I have seen that there are people who are better people than they say they are... And there are those who arn't as good as they think they are.. There are people who love you, people who piss the fucking shit out of you, and people who are just seen as neutral.

Although it may seem impossible to escape from this area in everyone's life, it is possible.. I have my best friends, I have my enemies, My future boyfriends, & my feature me.. They are all something to look forward to and I can honestly say I do :)

Today's a new day.. & Tomorrow's another.. They will get better!

Today was a new day for me. I have recently been talking to a friend of mine and found out he is gay about a week ago. I had a boyfriend at the time and just looked at him as a friend.. but i have come to the conclusion that he could possibly be more then a friend :) tomorrow he is coming over to tan with me and a few of my besties! AND.. He is bringing his spedo ;)... Talking to him has really helped me figure things out with my ex Ian & I.. I now realize that meeting guys off myspace is not the way to go unless we really get to know each other personally and hang out often and become friends.. I always say I think he could be the one for me for a while that will make me happy but they always end up falling through.. So with this one I am not going to say/think that I'm just going to be myself and we can be friends..

A few other things were brought to my attention today as well as over the past few days.. Life is a man vs man world and it truly is every man for them self. People you thought were friends will continue to talk shit, people you know are your true friends and will always be there for you will always have their secretes. At any given time any one of them can snap and a whole flame could be lit. Just be yourself, don't give a fuck what others think, but when your friends are hurt just be there for them.. Don't leave them hanging.. It's the worst thing you could do..

Photo Shoot: 5/16/2010

Life.. Love.. & Reality..

I have recently realized we as humans don't always know what is best for us.. We want something so bad, and when we are given the opportunity to have something close to what we want but not exactly what we want.. We tend to jump on it not thinking of anyone but ourselves.. Sometimes in certain situations we tend to over react about things... In my case, a relationship.. I was wanting to love and be loved soo bad that I didn't give it time to work it out for itself... I immediately jumped into it not thinking about anything other than myself.. Not my emotions but my outer appearance... I did really like the guy and felt like I was falling in love with him.. But something little happened.. I found some things out that are not that big of a deal.. I took them the wrong way.. I felt he was getting annoying and obsessive.. And then ended it instantly.. I didn't even think to try and work things out.. I don't know what I will be doing about the situation.. I would really love to talk to him about it and start over new and take things on a slower level.. He may be a bit odd.. And do some weird things.. And be annoying.. But he is truly a good guy.. One thing I am seriously thinking about is him and his feelings.. If I decide I really want to try and work things out with us, but later decide it isn't what I want.. i will just be hurting him again.. & there will be no more.. All in all.. We have to let love be.. Don't search for it.. Let it come to you.. That's what I have learned.. I do believe that in this case love came to me and I passed by it.. I didn't give love the chance it deserves.

Heaven on earth?

Based on my weekend, I do believe that there is such thing as heaven on earth.. Friday night my boyfriend and I hung out with Tatiana - My sister, my mother, my best friend & my everything.. She is probably the only person who has really truly been there for my through my tough* times.. About a year ago, I came out to all of my friends and a lot of my family that I was gay.. She has been there for me every step of the way which led up to telling the biggest prick of all.. My father.. This weekend she drove to pick Ian up & even brought him home.. That night was such an amazing night.. I spent time with my cousin, my boyfriend, and my aunt & uncle.. Saturday afternoon Ian arrived at my house. Ian, Nicole and I swam, tanned and later that night had a few of my besties over for many games of beer pong.. After everyone left, my boi & I had the pleasure of cuddling to a movie before moving to my bed.. & waking up with each other this morning..

God gave us 2 things when he put us on this earth.. Life & Love.. We can live our life with love, or we can live it with hate - which wasn't a given gift.. I have also learned over this weekend that there are many closed minded people in this world and don't see past peoples appearances.. For example, yes I am gay - but that doesn't mean I want to be a girl.. That doesn't mean I am any different than a straight guy.. It just means I am sexually attracted to the same sex.. Who is out there to say who I can marry, love, or be with? I also believe these closed minded people should be shut into their own world.. I love to be surrounded by the accepting crowd not the judging crowd.. I'm 100% positive that there is not one person out there who can't relate to this post in some way or another.. You will and have always been judged on something whether it's the fact you have a little more of you to love, your sexuality, or even your style.. There will be someone there to judge... My thought on that is to judge yourself all you want but don't let others judge you..

*Ian Thomas Miles.. - <3
*Tatiana Marie Anderson.. - <3